"Out of the Blue"

[StarGazr]

Edited cuz I forgot my disclaimer.. ya know how none of this belongs to me but to the great JK Rowling... well the story belongs to me cuz I got it from my head but the characters and such are hers... so yeah

I have to get you to come back somehow! The title is tentative, and if I stray from where I plan to go, then I might change it... well if the story doesn't work out... then it won't matter! I really hope you enjoy my little prologue. So, here it is.

Out of the Blue

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Prologue

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Hermione Granger scrunched up her nose as she stood on the stool in Madam Malkin’s Robes for all Occasions shop in Diagon Alley. “I don’t like black,” she mumbled.

Harry turned to her from where he was standing on another stool. “It’s not so bad,” he commented.

“The color makes me look pale,” she said, looking into the mirror as the needle and thread moved on its own, letting out the seam at the bottom of her school robes. Her curly chestnut brown hair that cascaded down her back shifted as she turned. Over her years at Hogwarts she had tried many styles, but in the end, she loved the long curls. “I can’t wait till we graduate and I can wear the colors I please,” she said.

Harry laughed, “Pink maybe? Or lavender?”

“Very funny, Harry. I was thinking more of deep blue or scarlet.”

“But they’re dark too,” Harry pointed out, as he hopped down from the stool. “You don’t think they’ll make you look pale too?”

Hermione contemplated this as the needle and thread continued to move on its own. “I never thought about it. I just like those colors,” she said, pointing to the robes and cloaks in the display.”

“I’ll buy you a sapphire colored cloak for graduation,” Harry said.

“You’re so sweet, Harry Potter,” she said, as she stepped down from her stool. “What would I do without you?” She asked, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“I don’t know, maybe torture someone else about studying?” He said sarcastically.

She slapped his arm as he paid for the robes. They left the shop and wandered down Diagon Alley. Hermione had spent the last half of her summer with Harry and his godfather, Sirius Black. Her parents had gone on a vacation and would be gone until after she was to return to Hogwarts. Harry and Sirius had insisted to her parents that there was more than enough room in their house and were more than happy to have her.

Hermione and Harry had spent a great deal of their summer out on the grounds of Sirius’s extensive property, which was enchanted to ward off the wandering eyes of muggles. They were training for the possible attack of the evil wizard, Lord Voldemort. Hermione had always been clever with spells and charms, while Harry excelled at carrying them out.

Now, it was only ten days till the start of classes and they were shopping for their school supplies. “I need some potion stuff,” Harry mumbled.

“Come on,” Hermione took his arm and lead him into another shop. As they entered, several heads turned. Most of them were young girls who giggled and ducked around a corner. “I told you all that training would come in handy.”

Harry rolled his bright green eyes, “You know I only have eyes for one girl,” he said, and wandered over to the various potion ingredients that were on the walls. Hermione smiled and watched him. Over the summer, and the months proceeding it, Harry’s physical appearance had changed. He had grown to a lean and fairly muscular six feet and a few inches high, towering over the five and a half feet of Hermione. His sparkling green eyes were no longer hidden behind the constantly breaking glasses of his youth, but stood out as he wore wizarding contact lenses that never had to be changed or removed.

Hermione glared at a young witch that was standing too close to Harry. She recognized the girl as a sixth year student from Ravenclaw. The girl giggled and laid an arm on Harry. Hermione had seen enough and marched over. “Harry?”

The girl turned and glared at Hermione. “Can we help you?” She asked snidely.

“You can get your hands off my boyfriend,” Hermione suggested, “or I’ll hex you into next term!” The girl huffed and stalked off.

“Aww, my possessive girlfriend has saved me from the clutches of the evil Ravenclaw witch!” Harry laughed.

“She was touching you, Harry,” Hermione hissed.

Harry kissed her temple and wandered over to the counter to pay for his ingredients. “Can I help it that I’m so darned cute? Just yesterday you were telling me how cute I was,” he teased.

“You’re in for a rude awakening, Potter. Not everyone finds you irresistible,” she said as they walked out of the shop.

“You do,” he reminded her, throwing his arm across her shoulder.

“You keep telling yourself that, Harry,” she said, “and maybe someday someone else will believe you.”

“You love bickering with me, don’t you ‘Mione?”

“Of course,” she smiled, slipping her arm around his waist. “How else am I going to enjoy my day if I don’t bicker with the man I love?”

“You could kiss me,” he suggested.

“If I did that, what would I have to look forward to later?” Hermione asked innocently.

“It’s your lot in life to punish me,” he said, convinced as they walked into Florish and Blotts.

“Maybe,” she said with a wink, and they continued their shopping.

Little did the young adults know that as they were enjoying the sunshine of Diagon Alley, they were being watched by a wizard lurking down Knockturn Alley. Lucius Malfoy cocked and eyebrow at the new couple. “Well, well,” he mumbled. “There have been some interesting developments this summer.”

He disappeared from the dark magic alley and reappeared in his mansion, Malfoy Manor. A tall and dark man stood before a dying fire. “It’s true then?” A hissing voice asked.

“Most definitely. It was quite... disgusting,” Malfoy shuddered.

“You may continue as planned,” the hissing voice commanded.

“As you wish, my Lord,” Lucius Malfoy bowed. The figure turned and Lord Voldemort gave a short but dark and sinister laugh. Malfoy once again disappeared, leaving the dark Lord to stare once again into the flames.

“Soon, young lady... soon you and your precious Potter will know everything... but you won’t live long enough to tell the tale.”

End Prologue

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Thanks for reading everyone :D

[lithorose]

Where can I get some of those contacts?:D

Interesting (good:)) beginning, is there any more? more, precioussss, we wantsssmore!

[Elfëa]

Nice :)

I'm horrid reviewer, because I try to be honest please, please ignore me if you don't like my comments :) I try to be constructive, but I'm not a how to write teacher (no one is, not even my writing teacher ;))

Hermione had always been clever with spells and charms, while Harry excelled at carrying them out.

This caught my eye - it doesn't really make sense, even if I understand what you mean -"Hermione had always been clever with finding out about spells and charms,"?

Never thought that Hermione would be possessive, at least to the level presented. :) But that's only my view of the characters - there are others (as many views as there are readers, actually :D)

You end the prolouge in quite traditional way "Little did they know..." - a severe change in the athmospeare that first was light and 'seen through pink glasses'. :p
But it leaves me wonder will the rest of it be as light or shall it have the tad darker sound that Lucius and Voldemort brought?

I really liked the interaction between Harry and Hermione in the beginning - you have let the characters really grow older from what they're in the end of GoF - I mean in the sense of relationships with people.

“Soon, young lady... soon you and your precious Potter will know everything... but you won’t live long enough to tell the tale.”

I think this tells much - it almost gives out the whole story (it does, I'm sorry;)). Giving out much on first chapter of a story acquires quite load from the writer to keep the reader interested. :)

Overall view: Nice - light and interactive. :) I'm likely to hang around and see how it'll continue :p

[Amberion]

Originally posted by Elfëa
Also, why didn't Harry's scar hurt as Voldemort was near?



It was Lucius that was in Diagon Alley - spying

I presume to not tip Harry off, that they were spying on him. Good idea.

I like it (the story) - so far

[Elfëa]

Gah. I did notice that, but I forgot it. :o

How come I'm so stupid?

[Fleurdelacour]

H/H Ewwww ;)

But I carried on reading, so it was good! :) It was sweet, and oh whats the word... Refreshing :)

One problem, Harry seems like a Mary Sue... He's now six feet, funky contacts (I want some too :p ) muscular, Mm, just not right, dont like character transformation (is that the word? I need to read a dictionary again...)

[Elfëa]

FleurD - contacts?

I think StarGzr has gone for the book eye color ;) - and it's Gary Stu for males. :p

Actually, that's not Gary Stuing - not in sense - I've always understood that Mary Sueing character means making character perfert and/or like the writer? :)

And Hermione is as much changed - but even two months when you're teenager changes you a lot ;) In personality and in looks :)

[Fleurdelacour]

Yes, I wear glasses... They're so annoying... :rolleyes:

I wish two months would change my looks ;)

Elfea, you now have no excuses to read mine! :p It's all there copy and pasted!

I could go into depth with Mary Sues, I had a link on the computer... But that's dead...

[StarGazr]

:notworthy: I bow down to all reviewers... but have I really committed a Mary Sue/Gary Stu? :o uh oh... I guess that I just imagined Harry that way in a few years. He's seventeen and growing into his body... I don't know. I did some looking into Mary Sue's and such a few weeks and learned that I had indeed committed a Mary-Sue in my other Harry Potter story... everyone at ff.net is too nice to point it out :mad: I need to know those things people!
Thanks for the encouraging words and the constructive criticism as well. I have part one of the story ready to go... if you want it... hehe

[Elfëa]

But beware FleurD - I might review it. :p

I've become lately really critical reader (even if I try not to say half of the things that come in my mind) - but I think it's for authors best to be honest and just not scream and fangirl "I luuuuuurve it"... especially when you don't.
So, that's why I either 1) don't review 2) don't read if I don't like the first couple paragraps (and they're the most important in the story. They have to draw the reader in. Rest of it just has to keep reader interested). 3) I try to write constructive critism. (this hardly ever happens so :)).

And I think you can find out quite easily a good explanation for Mary Sueing on FictionAlley :)

edit: StarGzr - I wouldn't say you committed Gary Stu nor Mary Sue - not yet. :) Do continue :)

[Fleurdelacour]

Yes, I agree, conscritive critism is a good thing. Sure it's nice to get "Oh I love this! WRITE MORE!" It just seems so fake, like they haven't read it properly, just flicked through it like a kid's magazine. :p

[StarGazr]

A/N: I am taking a lot of liberties. I made up a lot of crap to get away with what I'm trying to get away with. Mediwitches can probably cure muggle illnesses... but not in my story they can't! Just deal with it please!!! Thanks! See A/N at the end for another note. Enjoy!

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Out of the Blue, Part 1a

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Harry and Hermione strolled hand in hand down the alley toward The Leaky Cauldron. They left the wizarding world and once again entered the muggle world. “Hungry?” Harry asked her.

“Yeah, and then we can floo over to the Burrow and see Ron,” Hermione said as she went to a table in the corner.

Harry came back in a few minutes with two plates of food. “I hope he’s feeling better. We’ve got to be back at school in ten days,” Harry said before he put some food in his mouth.

“I can’t believe he got muggle pneumonia!” Hermione exclaimed.

“What makes it even stranger is that he can’t get over it. I mean, why can’t Madame Pomfrey cure him?” Harry inquired.

“Because, she’s a magical nurse not a muggle nurse.”

“So?”

“I don’t know, I guess she can’t cure muggle diseases,” Hermione guessed. Harry nodded and they both continued to eat. When they were done, Hermione pulled out her pouch of Floo powder and threw a pinch into the glowing fire. “The Burrow!” She shouted and was whisked away.

Harry stepped up to the flames and groaned. “The Burrow!” He shouted and closed his eyes tight as he felt the fireplace consume him. Moments later Harry found himself lying in a heap on the floor of the Weasley house.

“Well, hello Harry!” One of the redheaded twin Weasley boys greeted him. “Fire places treating you all right these days?” He asked as he lifted Harry to his feet.

“George?” Harry coughed, brushing some of the black soot from his pants.

“Good guess! You’re better the Mum,” he laughed.

“I think I can tell the difference between my two sons!” Mrs. Weasley yelled, coming into the room. “Hello, dears,” she said, kindly, giving both Harry and Hermione hugs. “How are things in London?”

“Same as last year, Mrs. Weasley. More first years gawking though, it seems,” Hermione laughed. “How’s Ron?” She asked as she removed her cloak and followed Molly Weasley into the kitchen.

Molly sighed and turned to Hermione, “I’d like to tell you that he’ll be ready to go back to Hogwarts for start of term, but I just don’t know,” she admitted.

“The doctors said he was progressing,” Hermione said.

“They’re muggles, what do they know?” She said. Molly leaned against the counter and gestured toward the stairs leading to the upper floors. “He’s been lying in that bed for three weeks now, moaning about Quidditch and such. Half the time he’s asleep, the other half he’s lethargic.”

“My mum told me that sometimes it can take up to six weeks for a person to recover from pneumonia,” Hermione told her. “He can be at Hogwarts by late November,” she assured Molly.

“Tell your mum that I really appreciated those books. It helped to understand what those so-called doctors were going on about,” she sighed. “Well, go on up and see him. He’s been asking about you and Harry for days,” Molly said, ushering Hermione up the stairs.

Hermione climbed several staircases, passing dozens upon dozens of lively photos of the Weasley clan through the years. After she had climbed her fifth set of stairs, she heard the strained laughs of her best friend, Ron. She wandered down the hall and stood in the doorway of Ron’s very orange room.

Standing in the doorway, Hermione observed the scene before her. Ron sat propped up in bed talking to Harry with a lot of animation. If Hermione didn’t know better, she would think he was perfectly fine. He suddenly turned to her, “There’s my favorite girl!” He exclaimed with a cough.

Hermione made her way into the room with a bright smile. “Now, what would Susan think if she heard that?” She laughed as she wound her arms around Ron’s neck.

Hugging her tight, he let out a weak laugh. “She’d kick my sorry arse, that’s for sure,” he told her. Ron had been dating Susan Bones, a Hufflepuff student, since the beginning of their sixth year. He had accidentally knocked her out with a bludger during Quidditch practice one morning. He didn’t leave her side in the medical wing until she had woken up. They’d been dating ever since. “I missed you guys so much,” he said.

“We’re just glad to see you’re doing all right,” Harry said. He was seated on a chair beside the bed while Hermione was on the bed, holding Ron’s hand.

“Your mom told me you’ll be joining us before the end of term,” Hermione commented.

Ron rolled his eyes. “I don’t think I can stand it till then. Percy pops in every other day to comment on my complexion. Fred and George have been using me as a test subject for their latest inventions. They’re actually trying to make some kind of thing that can render a ‘friend,’” he used his fingers to demonstrate his sarcasm, “sick for up to twenty four hours. They’re really sick,” he said. Ron suddenly went off into a coughing fit.

Hermione gave him a weak smile when he took a deep breath. “Are you in any pain?”

Ron shook his head ‘no.’ “I’m on a muggle anti-bludger something or other.”

“Antibiotic!” Hermione and Harry shouted with a laugh.

“That’s it. It’s great stuff, I must admit. That poor doctor didn’t know what hit him, though, the first time he came out here. I’ll tell ya, Fred and George enjoy coming over when he’s around. But tell me about you guys!” Hermione blushed and avoided Harry’s eyes. Ron caught it though. “No way! No bloody way!”

“Ron…” Harry said.

“Call the Profit! It’s finally happened! Halle-bloody-lujah!” Ron pulled Hermione into a hug. “Is he treating you all right?” He asked, pulling her back.

“He treats me the same way he did at the beginning of the summer!”

“Oh yeah?” Harry asked. Hermione blushed and Ron made a gagging sound.

“Don’t tell my mum. She’ll start planning the wedding,” Ron warned, then changed the subject. “Anyway, Dumbledore knows what’s going on. He said I could do my work via owl for the first couple of months. I should stay caught up for the most part.”

“Just study for the NEWTs a lot and you should be fine,” Hermione said.

“That’s easy for you to say Miss I-do-good-at-everything,” Ron said. “Some of us actually have to work for our marks.”

Hermione frowned. “I work for my marks! I work really hard and you know it!”

Ron nodded. “Is it true about you being offered that apprenticeship with Snape?”

Hermione’s eyes widened. “Ron, how did you hear about that?” She asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Hermione, you were offered an apprenticeship with Snape?” Harry asked.

Hermione turned to her boyfriend. “I was going to tell you both eventually. I got a letter from Professor Snape over the summer. I had applied for three apprenticeships for this year. One with McGonagall, one with Pomfrey, and one with him. I got all three. Now I just have to choose,” she said.

“Oh,” Harry said, understanding. “So, which did you choose?”

“I haven’t,” she admitted. “I have till final exams to choose.”

“What do you want to do with your life?” Ron asked.

“Easier asked then decided,” Hermione said with a sigh. “I would love to be an apprentice to McGonagall but I would also love to work in medicine. And potions… well potions is just fascinating.”

“Yeah, but Snape…” Ron rolled his eyes. “I would rather not spend my every free moment with that man.”

“I agree. We’ll see,” she said. “We better get going. Sirius is going to start to wonder where the hell we are,” Hermione said.

Ron started laughing. “How close are your bedrooms?”

“Ron!” They both yelled, turning deep shades of red.

“Hey now, be nice. I don’t want to replace myself.”

“What?” Hermione asked.

“You know, make this happen again,” Ron gestured towards his chest and coughed once. “That muggle doctor said if I didn’t take care of myself, I could ‘replace myself,’” Ron explained.

“It’s called a relapse,” Hermione said.

Ron nodded, “Yeah, that too. I’ll see you guys over sometime lat in November.”

Hermione leaned over and kissed his cheek. “We’ll owl you once we get settled in at school.”

Harry shook his hand as he stood. “Take it easy. I’m gonna need you on the pitch in a few months!”

“You boys need to get your priorities straight,” Hermione chided as she left the room. Hermione made her way to the first floor and ran into Mrs. Weasley. “I guess we’ll see you in September?”

“Yes, I still have to bring Ginny to London. Take care, dear,” Mrs. Weasley said, hugging Hermione. “And don’t let that handsome young man get away,” she whispered. Hermione’s eyes widened as she pulled away from the older woman. “I want to have a wedding to plan,” she winked.

Harry walked down the stairs and gave Mrs. Weasley a quick hug before Hermione could drag him to the fire. They waved and disappeared into the green flames.

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End part 1a

[StarGazr]

Sorry, too long, had to split it into two sections!! Onward!

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Part 1b

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Hermione was standing in the expansive living room when Harry tumbled out of the fireplace. “How do you manage to always fall over?” Hermione asked, helping him to his feet.

“I hate flooing,” he moaned, standing up and dusting himself off. “Sirius?” He shouted.

“In the kitchen,” came a loud reply. Hermione followed Harry into the kitchen of Sirius Black’s rather large house. He and Harry had purchased the house a year ago, and had been spending their spare time ever since trying to make it a home. They had succeeded, in Hermione’s opinion. “Hey, you two. I was beginning to wonder where you were,” he smiled.

The man who had been imprisoned in Azkaban for twelve years of his life was a changed man. The hard lines he had had across his brow when Harry had first met him were gone along with the shaggy and unkept hair. Sirius was currently draining what appeared to be pasta into a large pot. “What are you doing?” Hermione asked.

“Cooking,” he answered, as if he did it every day. “I found this,” he showed her a cookbook, “hidden in a drawer. I thought I would try it.”

Harry shook his head. “You can cook?”

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll just have to find out.”

“Where is Bitty?” Hermione asked, referring to Sirius’s house-elf.

“I gave her the night off. Though from the looks of this place…” his voice trailed off, sweeping his arm over the mess he’d made.

“You’ll have to pay her over time to clean up this mess,” Harry supplied. “Smells good,” Harry said, moving over to the stove where Sirius’s sauce was beginning to boil.

“Move,” Sirius ordered, gently shoving Harry out of his way. “It’s going to burn. Oh damn, and my garlic bread!” He put on what looked like an oven mitt and pulled a sheet out of the oven. “Good, they didn’t burn,” he breathed, inspecting the pieces of butter toast.

“Oh my, that smells wonderful,” Hermione smiled.

“Good, go sit, and we can eat,” Sirius said, smiling.

Dinner went over extremely well, and Sirius promised to make his cooking a nightly ritual for the two teenagers. “Well, I’m going up to my room. I still have eight inches to write for that Potions essay,” Hermione announced.

“But, we still have nine days until we go back to school,” Harry reminded her.

“Only nine days, Harry!” Hermione yelled, running up the stairs.

Harry rolled his eyes and turned to his godfather who was drinking a muggle liqueur and staring into the flames of a fire he had started. “What’s up?” Harry asked, joining him on the sofa.

“I talked to Remus today,” he announced. “Seems Snape has come up with a more permanent Wolfbane potion. Moony can work through the full moon instead of curling up like a dog in his office once a month.”

“Well, that’s good news,” Harry said. Sirius continued to watch the fire. “There’s something else isn’t there?”

“Harry I want you to listen to me very carefully,” Sirius said, turning to the son of his best friend. “Remus, Hagrid, Albus, Minerva, Severus, and I are going to do everything in our powers to protect you this year. I need you to promise me to not go looking for trouble.”

Harry raised one eyebrow, “What’s going on?”

“There’s been talk of activity among the Death Eaters. Severus has been to another Revel, and it did not end well,” he explained. “Your Potions Master is lucky to be alive.”

“Voldemort knows Professor Snape is a spy, doesn’t he?” Harry asked, a touch of regret in his voice.

“It was only a matter of time, Harry. Voldemort,” he said, with acid in his voice, “is more determined then ever to destroy you.” Sirius let this sink in before continuing. “Harry, I need to tell you something else.”

“What is it?”

“After Severus returned from the last Revel, he indicated that Voldemort may be planning to attack Hermione’s parents,” Sirius said. “Albus and the Order are looking into it now. In the meantime, her parents are under constant watch by Aurors and members of the Order.”

“Is Hermione in danger?” Harry asked, with fear in his eyes.

“I don’t know. That’s one of the reasons why I must ask you to not go looking for trouble. You have a wonderful knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Follow the rules this year, Harry, or things could end badly for both of you,” Sirius said.

Harry’s eyes drifted toward the stairs. He could picture Hermione hunched over her desk, trying to finish her essays, pushing a stray hair from her eyes as she concentrated. He turned back to his godfather. “I promise to stay out of harm’s way. Unless trouble comes looking for me, that is,” he added.

They bid each other good night, and Harry headed up to his room. Before he went to his room, however, he made a different turn, and went into Hermione’s room. She was exactly where he thought she would be: at her desk. “Hey,” she said, looking up at him. “I’m about ready to give up for the night. Are you going to bed?”

“Yeah,” Harry said, walking over to her. He touched her shoulder, then pulled her to her feet and into a fierce hug.

Hermione laid her head on his shoulder and sighed. “This is nice,” she commented, inhaling the smell that was distinctly Harry. She ran her fingers through the hairs at the nape of his neck as his arms tightened around her waist, his face buried in her neck. “What is it?” She whispered.

“I swear, I won’t let anything happen to you... ever,” he vowed.

Hermione pulled back and looked into his vibrant green eyes. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing, not yet anyways,” he looked down at her and brushed a stray curl from her face. He cupped her face in his hands and leaned down, kissing her softly. Hermione thought her knees were going to give out. The quiet passion in his kiss was overwhelming. As he pulled back, a small sigh escaped her lips. He smiled down at her and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he whispered.

“Good night,” she said softly, as he left the room. Her fingers touched her lips and she smiled to herself before wandering across the room to get ready for bed.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

An eerie laugh escaped Lord Voldemort’s thin lips. “I cannot believe that after all these years, Gregory and Patricia have been right under my nose,” he spat. He threw a glass of amber liquid at Lucius Malfoy’s head. “How stupid are you?!”

Dropping to his knees to avoid being hit in the head, Lucius bowed his head to his master. “I had no idea he was their secret-keeper. We thought they were dead,” he insisted.

“But instead, they are alive… and they have a daughter who is quite possibly the most powerful witch of her generation! How stupid are you?!” Voldemort hissed again. “I want them dead by sunset tomorrow! I want Severus in my presence by dawn! Do you think you can handle that, Lucius?” He roared.

“Yes, master,” the man on his knees said quietly. Lucius Malfoy rose to his feet and swept out of the room.

End part 1

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Author's Note: I don't hate Ron... I just don't know how to write the character! If you're a big Ron fan, this isn't a story for you because I doubt he's going to be in it a lot. Some day, when I learn how to write that character, he'll make a bigger appearance.

[Elfëa]

Good guess! You’re better the Mum,”
about that?” She
do they know?” She said.
from b: “Sirius?” He shouted

typos ;) and it should be "about that? she" :)

Hmm... I don't know why Mrs. Weasley seems strained. Somehow she's only commenting and doing explaining without being Molly Weasley - if you know what I mean :)
Also - Muggle is written with capital M. :) And Flooing as well :) (comes from Apparating, Dissaparating and so on:))

Must say that Everything Is So Extremely Well - and you aren't making the reader anticipate anything - everything just IS - the suspension is missing :( Even if you're telling the facts about How Things Could Go Wrong the reader is not drawn in to the feeling (yes, I've read too much fanfiction - the stories get similar in the end. That's why writing good fanfiction is difficult. The fic has to rely on the writers style rather than on the actions to be set apart from the medicore/horrid fics.)

“I promise to stay out of harm’s way. Unless trouble comes looking for me, that is,” he added.
And him being Harry, the harm always comes to him anyway. Quite predictable? :) Is this your intention - because predictablity leads easily to either stereotypical characters (which are the common readings from the canon, but as I haven't yet finished my fanfiction essay, I'll leave this here) or to Mary Sueing.

The one thing I notice - you don't tell about anyone's feelings - just actions. Quite difficult style to write in and still create believable characters. And by so far, I must say it's been bit struggle :)

Mediwitches can probably cure muggle illnesses... but not in my story they can't!
Ah. Is flu a Muggle illness? ;) They can, for fact cure flu. :) But you have defined pneumonia to be Muggle illness and having Hermione guess (she could know ;) being Hermione and so :p) so it's fine. :)

Do continue.

*how much I'd wish to have my fic here, alas, it's R.*

[Fleurdelacour]

“He can be at Hogwarts before Thanksgiving,” she assured Molly.

First things first!

I HATE Americanisation in fan fics :p Sorry but I do, British book, British customs, and I'm quite attached. Please, leave out the Thanksgiving things, we do not have Thanksgiving in Britian, the only November celebration we have is Guy Fawkes night (that is who Fawkes is named after, afterall ;) )

The Voldie scenes seem a bit, oh what's the word... *thinks* empty, they're missing something, suspense, and another-word-for-gripping.

Ron can be quite an easy character to write for. He's stubborn, and doesn't show affection very well. He is lazy, funny, and great. He doesn't put all his effort into school work, and is always feeling the pressure of Hermione's intelligence, Harry's fame, and his brother's sucsess, as well as Fred and George's sense of humor :) I love my Ron ;)

Alas, I'm still reading it, :) It's written well besides the above
:)

[Elfëa]

Originally posted by Fleurdelacour
Ron can be quite an easy character to write for. He's stubborn, and doesn't show affection very well. He is lazy, funny, and great. He doesn't put all his effort into school work, and is always feeling the pressure of Hermione's intelligence, Harry's fame, and his brother's sucsess, as well as Fred and George's sense of humor :) I love my Ron ;)

And that's the stereotypical Ron.
Which I hate.

True!Ron is extremely difficult to write - Harry's easier because his character is more open to interpretations. :)

[Fleurdelacour]

Well, I find Ron easy to write, when I'm not if a fluffy fic mood ;) I can't write Harry, I think he's to messed up in the head, lol and I don't like him :p

[StarGazr]

*Wandering in... looking at some of the comments* For someone who's been writing fanfiction since she was 14 (yeah X-Files!), I've grown into my writing styles. I'm a dialogue writer, always have been, and probably always will be. The truly great writers can write not only dialogue but detail and emotions. Looking back on these past two chapters, I can see where many things have gone wrong... especially with stereotyping and such things. My former editor would be on my rear end if I pulled stuff like this back in the days of my X-Files writing... I shouldn't think that I could get away with it here either. It's you guys, the true, hardcore HP fans, that see the errors and I'm greatful for it because in the end it helps make me into a better writer. Thank you for your suggestions
As for part 2 and the future? Let's see, right now I'm working with our dear Draco and constructing a history of the past years at Hogwarts... or future depending how you look at it. Other things I'm working on for the next part... ummm Snape... yeah... I really need to get back to drawing board with this. You guys are a tough (but lovable) crowd. I'm going to be away from the internet for the better part of the next five days but not without a laptop... so maybe getting away from the world of reading fanfiction will be good for me... I can work on my story, and my story alone.
Take care everyone and thanks again. I might have another part posted by late next week
*StarGazr*

[StarGazr]

The pesky American is back... and she's edited!! Muahahaha If you wanna go back and read through it... I did take out all that Thanksgiving mumbo jumbo and inserted other references to the time Ron is going to be joining the crew at Hogwarts. Once an American... always an American... my most humble apologies *Curtsies and scatters from the room*

[Ravenclaw]

I think Elfea's right.

I don't feel involved. I don't feel suspense-ish. I don't... feel.

Elfea, you can write something without saying person's thoughts. It's actually interesting. Usually, though, when I do that I write in first person. Because it's realistic. You never know what someone else is thinking.

My Creative Writing teacher said to put as little general emotion 'words' into the story, like... I dunno, "She said goodbye to him for the last time. He was utterly sad." You want to make your reader feel things, and the moment you tell them how to feel, they won't. If someone's died or someone's breaking up with someone else, obviously the character won't be jumping for joy or feel exhilerated (unless the character is that kind of person... :rollseyes:). You don't need to tell how the person felt, only actions and descriptions and thoughts and words. Like perhaps this:

"She said goodbye to him for the last time. He blinked and swallowed the lump in his throat as he turned his back on her one more time. The last time. The End."

Say, that's not bad....

Oh, that doesn't have anything specific to do with your story, I just thought I'd give out some advice.

Nice idea, though. I hope you keep going with it!

[Colli]

Top 5 ways to improve your fic:

1) More Snape
2) More Lucious
2) Less of everyone else

;) No, I'm enjoying it.. it's just the Snape parts make me weak at the knees.

[Elfëa]

Originally posted by Ravenclaw
Elfea, you can write something without saying person's thoughts. It's actually interesting. Usually, though, when I do that I write in first person. Because it's realistic. You never know what someone else is thinking.

Oh, you can, but it requires really much skill to do so from third person perspective :) Even if Hermione so far seems to be the focalizer of the story. :)

And now I stop cause I've had a martini and glae should have change to use her comp as well.
Will read the corrections later. :)

[StarGazr]

Originally posted by Colli
Top 5 ways to improve your fic:
1) More Snape

You want more Snape... Tortured!Snape? Or perhaps Frustrated!Snape?? Wait till I finish the next chapter, Colli.. I don't think your knees can handle it ;)

[lithorose]

Dangit! Lost my post!!!:mad:

Anyway I was going to say that writing characters only through their actions and words is a good thing to practice. IMO the best writers only explain their characters through their actions, their words, and through impressions other characters get of them. I recommend reading Austen and Dostoevsky, both are excellent at this.

Star, I wrote a pretty detailed analysis of your work, but I'm not sure how much criticism you want? Maybe I'll post it in bits.

[Ravenclaw]

Originally posted by Colli
Top 5 ways to improve your fic:
1) More Snape


Ha! You will enjoy my Befuddled Muggle tale! ;-)

I will say no more........

[StarGazr]

A/N on status of "Out of the Blue": I just thought I would let everyone know that I am indeed still working on "Out of the Blue" and it is coming along quite well. Without revealing anything important, I can tell you that Snape is gonna make his way into the story... but no Ron... big surprise ;)

On another note... besides working on "Out of the Blue" I am writing another piece. However, this piece is staying on my laptop, under lock and key until it is finished. This is not going to be a work in progress... not even for FF.net... I think I do my best work in one piece, then going back and splitting it into chapters... instead of writing it piece by piece and changing my mind about it everytime someone posts a comment. So... give me about two to three months and I might have written my first Hermione/Severus piece... *SG... shut up! You're not supposed to tell them what it's about!* Oh darn it! Those voices in my head need to speak up sooner!!!

[Colli]

Originally posted by StarGazr
I might have written my first Hermione/Severus piece...

http://www.nicknetwork.darkfiles.net/~mysmilies/contrib/edoom/mouth_water.gif

I'll wait by my computer for it... :swoon:

:D Ravenclaw, thanks. Great incentive to actually keep up with your story. ;) I swear I'm awful at staying committed to those types of things.

[StarGazr]

So... bad news... my files have been destroyed. Yes, I got bit by a virus and it's destroyed all my files. Unfortunately, until I can get my brother out here to install a new program (with a legal installation code), I can't retrieve them. So, until further notice, "Out of the Blue" is being shelved... I'm really sorry... but there's really nothing to be done... unless I get inspired to write the next piece over... but it was sooooooo good I don't want to ruin it by trying to rewrite it. I'll keep you updated... thanks for you patience :hug: for everyone

[Ravenclaw]

Aw!

:hug:s!

Hope your computer feels better. And remember, when it's sniffling, give it a hanky so it won't sneeze on you... The last thing we need is for some virus deleting all YOUR insides!

Oh dear!

Get Well Soon StarGazr's Computer!

http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3032103/weathercp.gif

(Hey, never underestimate the strength of a good heart-felt feel-better phrase!)